Guitar through Crack?

Yeah, it needs to have a fair amount of gain and about 1 megohm input impedance.
 
I don't know if this will solve your problem, but you could try this:  https://www.amazon.com/BEHRINGER-Audio-Interface-1-Channel-UM2/dp/B00EK1OTZC  It has a couple instrument inputs and a line output, it would just need USB power.  You wouldn't even need to plug it into your computer if you turn on the "Direct Monitor" button.  I have one and it's a decent interface, but it won't give you distortion.

If you add this: https://www.amazon.com/Behringer-Ultragain-MIC100-Audiophile-Preamplifier/dp/B000CZ0RME  with the above you could have tube distortion that gets converted to a line output.

or...

I have one of these:  https://www.amazon.com/Laney-IRTPULSE-Irt-Pulse-Preamp-USB/dp/B00U6BXCX0  it is more expensive, but is all tube and has a headphone and line output (https://www.amazon.com/CableWholesale-4-Inch-Phono-Adapter-30S1-16260/dp/B000I98Z50), that you could connect to the input on the crack.  It can also work without a USB connection.

Anyway, just a couple options.

This is a good idea that I hadn't though of though,  I might have to try it!
 
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